Cats socialize a lot via ears and since ZoKay doesn’t have ears, she has a hard time making friends. My other cat bullies her. Hoping these friendly looking ears help her to socialize in the cat world. So far it seems to be working.

..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Turns out it was a typo.

Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought

"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"

Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame… what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”

She was definitely checking me out.

but with more iron.

It writes other words too

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian

Then it just clicked.

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

You'll be mist.

That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.

…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."

I just never had the balls to do it

For hispanic attacks.

Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car

They are alloys.

He was outstanding in his field.

When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.

Your spine

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

It writes other words too.

To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.

What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes

But I’m 2² to say it

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.

That way I can set my own hours.

…you become a vacuum cleaner. And furthermore, true house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid.

The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. ​ One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? ​ The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." ​ "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." ​ The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." ​ God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" ​ The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

All he did was wine

I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm