Cats socialize a lot via ears and since ZoKay doesn’t have ears, she has a hard time making friends. My other cat bullies her. Hoping these friendly looking ears help her to socialize in the cat world. So far it seems to be working.
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Thank god right?
Corona bad, husband WORSE
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
Laughing my butt off
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
Found on facebook (posted by a page about programming???)
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame… what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
Solid Easter egg
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
Looks less, but it’s 180.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
Utah would be a great place for the first statue .
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
My girlfriend and I decided to get married
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car
*english starts speaking latin*
Electoral College Compromise
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
Found on Instagram
Ah yes old
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
How to print new line in Spanish…
Small business can be quite rough caw caw
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
What a clever Grandma!
Made this myself
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
Cell Phone bad
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
My brain is melting
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
Even satirical writers are getting fed up.
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
I guess school textbooks aren’t a thing
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
Deborah, will you look into that?
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
That’s What I Said Sodium Chloride
checkmate cowona vayrus!
Al i want is a smartphone dom gf hnngg
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner…
…you become a vacuum cleaner. And furthermore, true house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid.
I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"
Thought this belonged here
Ah yes, i call myself a programmer
The funny but sad truth
Asking the real question
Painful but yet helpful
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm