Catwoman
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
Can a ninja hit a fly with a ninja star?
Shuriken.
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
Thank god Canada’s not the super power
or we’d all be sorry
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
A girl goes to a Chruch to confess
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
My daughter just dropped a dad joke that made me super proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
My wife said “you have a terrible sense of direction,”
So I packed my stuff up and right
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
And they’re going to use AI to take over the world
And they’re going to use AI to take over the world
I’m happy for Nintendo’s success.
It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago…
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel…
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.