Cause they’re Dogs!
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
?
I hardly know her!
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I looked deep into her eyes
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.