Chair form
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
You say the punchline first
How do you ruin a joke?
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
I hate spelling errors!
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined
The lockdown is getting to me…
Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
I was getting drafted to fight in WW3
But I didn't have to go because Iran
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
https://ift.tt/2OsA7YW
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
My buddy jokingly asked me, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?”
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
