Challenges bad
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien 👽 (Illuminati theme song playin')
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No…But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
The comparisons are strong. Especially for Bram Stoker’s Dracula
The comparisons are strong. Especially for Bram Stoker’s Dracula
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?