Challenging bigot MAGAs
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
I met my girlfriend at an African language class…
We just clicked!
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
50 dollars is 50 dollars
Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion. On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars. The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree. The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter. Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two." James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars."
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years…' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece