Change Team
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.
"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today." "No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked. "I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then." Then it was Tuesday. John came to job, in perfect health, thanked the boss for the day off and was working as usual. So the week passed, then the weekend and it was already next Monday. "Boss, I'm sorry to call you again, but can I get this Monday off as well? I'm sick." A bit weird, two Mondays in a row, but what can you do, the boss thought. It's just a coincidence. "Sure, no problem. You'll make it up when you're feeling better", the boss replied. And so came Tuesday. Boss was worried about John, but didn't want to pry, so he let it slide. John worked as usual that time, and for the rest of the week. Then, the next Monday arrived. "Boss, I'm really sorry, but can I have this Monday off as well?" John asked. Boss knew something was off, but better not to have John around sick he though, if he was even really sick, so he decided to talk in private, after John was feeling better. "Ok John", the boss replied. "This is getting weird but you just rest, you can't function while you're sick. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow?". "Yes, I'll be coming tomorrow as usual. John was at work the next day so boss decided to find out what was going on. "John, we need to talk. One Monday is not a problem, two Mondays in a row are a bit weird but things happen, but three Mondays are no coincidence. What is happening? I need an explanation." The boss was not happy at all. John decided to be honest. "Well, here is the thing. Every Monday, before work, I go to my cousin for a cup of tea. Every time we start drinking tea, chatting, and we always end up having sex." "Oh my god! Sex, with your cousin? You're sick!" "Well I told you so!" Sorry if I misspelled something, heard the joke it in my native language.
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Dad, I can’t sleep.
dad: "Why not?" kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?" dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!" kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.
Me: Is it contagious? Doctor: Is what contagious?
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"