Changing the wording on this memes design.
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?
Thats easy… Batman doesent want to get shot.
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
One friend of mine is LITERALLY a legend…
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
I just created a new word,
Plagiarism.
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.