Cheaper than a plane I guess
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
Sad truth of batman
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
Tax the rich, it’s not nice to eat them
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
This is what my girlfriend has to put up with lol
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
my fucking cat arie
Quarantine Boomer Humor…
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
A pandemic is the perfect time to cut healthcare!
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
Yes, very interesting…
They’ve got a point… they never give the doctors credit
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
Take off the hat
As soon as you find one, there is always another
My aunt shared this on Facebook
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
This is why you check for kids
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Peek aunt humor is always about drinking wine/“I’m lazy”/“I’m a bitch”
Those Broken Lightbulbs
This is cute
Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
That would explain alot
And so it goes…
Cadet Bone Spurs, dodging for duty!
Gahan Wilson environmental regret cartoon
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
Come now, Private Eye, I thought you better than trite boomerism.
Mom sent this in the family group chat
where the hell is the electron
What’s worse than a loading animation?
Two loading animations!
My wife is incredibly smart
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
Yeah… now that the rats are fleeing the sinking ship, don’t forget this…
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
When the Ryzen 5 beats the Core i9
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
I honestly have no idea what this even means.
*insert flushed emoji*
Cause they’re Dogs!
Does this belong here?
Does anyone actually know when to properly use Regex?
Those damn integrals
His mouth scares me…
Your Duck is Dead !!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Task Manager is lit.
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
I don’t even get the “message”
Wholesome boomer humour
A Brief Explanation of Debugging
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
Haha airplane food bad