Cheaters
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals— the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well… if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
I hear balloon prices are up
Itβs due to inflation
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… Iβve got a few twix up my sleeve.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says βStay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.β Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks βDo you want to have sex before she gets back?β I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said βI knew I could trust you.β Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer whoβs lying on the floor, βHave you seen me rob this bank?β
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer whoβs lying on the floor, βHave you seen me rob this bank?β – βYes, sir,β says the customer and gets promptly shot. – βHave you seen me rob this bank?β the robber asks another customer. – βAbsolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!β
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. βName's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .β βGreat,β says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.β As Jess is leaving, he stops, βGotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.β βNot a problemβ, says Tom. βAfter 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.β Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. βMore'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.β βWell, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.β βMore'n likely be some wild sex, too.β βNow thatβs really not a problem,β says Tom, warming to the idea. βI've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?β βDon't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.β
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
The Three Monks
Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite excited about the new arrival and told all of the townspeople to come see it! Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the plant ate one of the townsfolk. Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time so, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only police officer stood up and declared "I'm the law in these parts, I'll run them out!" This was met with approval by one and all. So, the police officer goes to the flower shop and, tells the monks "get out of town and take your man-eating plant with you!' The monks are rather shocked by this and ask the officer if he has even seen the offending plant in order to get the evidence he needed to run them off. He of course hadn't so, he goes in to see the plant, and wouldn't you know it, he gets to close and it eats him! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only fire fighter stood up and declared "I'll chop down that plant with my trusty ax!" This was met with approval by one and all. And so, the fireman goes to the shop to run the monks out of town, he is met by the bewildered monks at the door of the shop. "get out of my way monks!" he cries, "I'm here to take care of that pesky plant of yours!". Frightened by this burly man wielding an ax, the monks quickly retreat. The fireman charges into the room, trips over a loose board and falls right into the mouth of the man eating plant! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer or a fire fighter now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. A little elderly woman near the back stands up and meekly says, "My nephew Hugh can stop them!" There is great commotion in response to this but, the people finally agree that this is as good of a plan as any, "not like we have anyone else, right?" And so, Hugh, goes down to the flower shop and demands that the monks leave town immediately and that they take their man-eating plant with them. And wouldn't you know it, those monks took off faster than you could blink! The moral of this story, Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them…
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves". The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere seemingly a group of children appear on the beach. The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face. Later, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?" The rabbi responds "father, I don't know about you, but my congregation knows me by my face".
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, βI went by your grandmaβs house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!β The biker looked at him and didnβt say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said βI got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!β The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said,βIβll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!β The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, βDamn it, Grandpa, youβre drunk! Go home!β
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I wonβt be covered.
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
I get depressed if I donβt play video games.
I always need to console myself.
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!