Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.
The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!"
The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
F in the comment to pay respect for those who are now in heaven
F in the comment to pay respect for those who are now in heaven
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy? A: Popcorn Edit: Woah, platinum! Thanks to the kind stranger! Gonna buy my kid an ice cream now, lmao!
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
Failed to crosspost to r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some reason so here ya go guys
https://ift.tt/2OMnLfw
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
I TA a CS class, and a student put some facts in his first-quarter self-assessment…
https://ift.tt/36BV9wv
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.