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Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
I hate dying
It will be the last thing I do.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From the well, actually.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant?
Ken came in another box
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
What Apple interviews must be like for Software Engineers post iOS 14 (Virtual Onsite Zoom)
https://youtu.be/QR5v579LsWA
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
