Checking off the boxes…
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I’m 72% jesus.
I'm also 100% in prision.
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back–wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
Where does Black Panther stay when he’s in New York?
His wakondo.
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favourite Disney movie?
It’s fucking Frozen
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training…
When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab." Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do. As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead! Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain. All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him. As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours
So they called it a day.
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
A cat died and went to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide