Cheems is a true patriot
Keep the earth clean
Itβs not Uranus
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I donβt think Iβll quit just yet.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Theyβre efficient and not very funny.
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria…
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second. "Locomotive." The waiter is puzzled. "What?" "Land Rover." "Sir, that's not on the menu." "Lake Michigan." The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu. "This is what I want." "Sir, you don't have any fingers… I can't tell what you're pointing at." "Just give me the damn spaghetti."
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But thereβs too many drawbacks
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
I found out today my toaster isnβt waterproof.
I was shocked.
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am
Is it The same shit different day?
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
only a fraction of people will get this joke
My dad died last year when my family couldnβt remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to βbe positiveβ, but itβs hard without him.
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.