Chess
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it? Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!” Suddenly,everything–the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
What’s worse than an unanswered question?
No text found