Chewbacca defense in action.
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
Yesterday, my wife and I went to the hospital so she could give birth to our child…
As soon as we stepped through the hospital doors, we knew something was wrong. The nurse working in the delivery ward was unclean and unhygienic. Her hair looked like it hadn't been combed for weeks. She gave us a look of utter contempt before ushering us to the delivery room. Throughout the birthing procedure, she would continuously mutter to herself under her breath, saying how her best years were behind her and how she hoped it would all soon be over soon; it made us both extremely anxious. Thankfully, we got through the delivery, and 9 hours later, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. To our surprise, the nurse who was so indifferent towards us at the start was the first to congratulate us. She wasted no time in caring for our daughter, washing her gently and swaddling her before returning her to her mother. I was so taken aback that I asked one of the other nurses on the floor why her mood had changed so drastically, to which she replied, "Oh, that's normal. She's just having a midwife crisis." This joke is dedicated to all the medical professional out there, especially during this difficult time. You are the real MVPs.
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said βwell son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years Iβll get another.β
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter⦠I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, βI really need a new boat.β
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
a skelepun
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, theyβre all rib ticklers.
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
The bigger your feet, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick.
No wonder we're all terrified of clowns
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says βI hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.β Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, βI hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and Iβve never kissed anyone.β The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, βSorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and Iβve never felt a breast.β Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says βyouβve been so kind already but please, I donβt want to die never having gotten a blow job.β Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says βthank you so much for saving us from certain death.β The boy shouts βjust a little longer next time dad!β
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.Β They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.Β They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."Β The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.Β After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.Β The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"Β The husband said, "I think she choked."
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.