Chick tank (edited)
It’s not Uranus
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
I just came to that realization.
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Because they like fast food.
…we'd never hear the end of it.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
To talk to the other side
We’re neighbors now.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Totally nailed it.
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
He was an incredible marxman
300 people died
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.”
They both have to pass the bar.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
A partial artist!
The motion was passed.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
He's going to he'll.
when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
Because he wasn't born yesterday
There isn't a home page
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜
Guess she’s homeless.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
Then they hung her.