Chicken pox parties are for kids. Adults go to a shingles bar.
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I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
Yes.
Is time travel possible?
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”
“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
I just got attacked by a gang of mime artists…
They did unspeakable things to me.
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
![[pun request] sailor moon and art](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/no_image_card-30-400x247.png)
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
