Chicken pox parties are for kids. Adults go to a shingles bar.
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Like seriously what are they talking about??
Like seriously what are they talking about??
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?
Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?
They deserve a no bell prize
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light Blue
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
Australians don’t have sex
They m8
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right
https://ift.tt/2zujMPY
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.