Chicken pox parties are for kids. Adults go to a shingles bar.
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She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
Is time travel possible?
Because he hated his dam job.
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
You can never find the barcode
He always leaves you hanging
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
He should see my new mouse pad.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
i said i stopped giving a shift.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”
“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
Guess who came crawling back
They’re, there, their.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
Does he have no Seoul
Loving my new sniper rifle.
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
They did unspeakable things to me.
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Curiosity killed them all.
Sadly, none of them work.
You want a piece of me?
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
I loaf it 🍞
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.