Children&phones Vs. Boomers
The endosymbiotic theory in a nut shell
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While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
Your license and registration, please
Priorities of life…
probably will become the most hated video..
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
“Poppa Capp” and “MEW”
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
No text found
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
The Magic School Bus Australian edition
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
280 characters bad
Does this count?
Stop it bro!!!
Schrödinger’s Cat Meme
It’s funny cuz it’s true.
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
These are real men, no soy boys here
At least in theory it’s like this, please don’t look at my code tho
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
fresh off facebook
Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
I can relate.!
True or nah?
GCSEs are fun
Take muh guns!
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Marriage is hard, amirite?
I did not hit him
The military parades Trump SHOULD be planning…
It’s a conspiracy
Haha! women are complicated!
This shouldn’t be a debate
Title says, “All hail Zuckerberg”. One of my WhatsApp groups.
Neural Networks: Expectation vs Reality
Elon Bad, Staying On Earth To Die Good
There’s a lot to unpack here..
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
It’s just a prank, bro
Nasty question, Kevin
It hurts cuz it’s true
Coffee is our nectar of life
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
I write codes…!
It’s always like that
The Pirate Bay graffiti on a BlockBuster store
hope this hasnt been posted already, but here goes
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
Code is fully functional and ready to be pushed to production
A little thought for GOP leaders in Kansas and elsewhere
EggNut doing his thing
Pathogen?? more like pathetic gen. hahahah
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
YOU HAVE TO
IF YOU DON’T CALL BANANAS; POTTASIUM SWORDS THEN YOU ARE WEIRD
They take PHAGES…
Your penis is so small…
that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
Chaplin + Chopin (sound on) [OC]
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t