Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Had sex last night,
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar. I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?" I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."
Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Little Tommy can’t believe his luck. “Mommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!” Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
Why did Sally fall off the swing
She didn’t have any arms; Knock Knock; Who’s there ; Not Sally
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
What’s the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
There are four kinds of sex.
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX – After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
My daughter yelled at me, “DAAAAAAAD! You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests. “We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?” “Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.” “Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.” “But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks. “Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.” John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out