“cHiNeSe ViRuS!!!”
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
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My daughter said to me “Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?”
I said "It's growing on me."
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
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My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowntain
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
My dad told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”
Great man, terrible geologist
A Transgender goes to a dominatrix
The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job. On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?" Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex. After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?" "They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish" "What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip "This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!" Edit: consistency with pronouns
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
James Somerton explains why he made a second “apology” video.
James Somerton explains why he made a second “apology” video.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
I’ve gone and confused the words ‘Yakuza’ with ‘Jacuzzi’
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
![That moment you realise your relationship is actually an agile working team. What you had there wasn’t a date, it was a stand-up. [Found on r/MadeMeSmile]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/c3w5nc050ps31-400x368.jpg)
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…" The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family – I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
