Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
This is tyranny!!!,1,!!11
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
This one is for the sad
Be straight with me…
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
how does anybody in the military still support this POS
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
Made with paint…
I shall bring order to the reaction!
Originally put primary school but don’t think Americans know what that is
Can you guess where they live before the tell you?
Wife = bad
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
The Lard’s Prayer
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
My glasses are not for sale though
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
The reason why world never says hello back!!
What, you egg?
A rare find! Lefty Boomer!
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
This really says a lot about society today :( <3
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
My coworker posted this on Facebook
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
This is actually funny ngl
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then…"
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
Anyone need a web dev
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
A snake walks into a bar..
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
what do vegan zombies eat?
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
please hold the metformin
Damn! Hahaha….u give up!!
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
Does she have a slight sense of fashion? Guess shes cheating on you
First one I’ve seen in the wild
Social media poll
Xenon awareness is crucial
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
stock market bad wife bad
I hate bugs!!
I don’t speak Spanish, but I can just tell.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?