Choose a number between 1 and 10. Now multiply it by 2, add 3, and subtract 7. Close your eyes.
Dark, wasn’t it?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
It's more difficult to deter gents though
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Now I’ve just got beer…
Destruction of state property
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
But Patrick is the star
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
but it's certainly up there.
One cold winter’s morning a tramp was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father – the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire. "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price – I'm a wealthy man." "Ahem, well …" stammered the tramp "…eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out" "Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet. "Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars – but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe" "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life – that will be plenty". "Well, if you insist" says the father – "now what will you do with your money?" "Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday" "Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home. "Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in – much to the disgust of the staff – and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp. "Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?" "Oh lots – anything up to ten dollars" "TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously. "Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday – I'll probably never get another chance – isn't there anything you can do?" "Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check" The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There – to her amazement – she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday – its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise – and it costs ten dollars" "Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it" The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting. A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct. "Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin" The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship – and what a ship! The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this. First they went doen through the first class level: Oriental carpets – 6" pile. A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep. and so on… 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing…" "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night – when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night – he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen… Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived…. …and what a dive…! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain – who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp – was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen …." He broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk. "O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "O.K." agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb…. up and up … up and up … higher and higher … below him the ship grew smaller … up and up … on and on … past a solitary albatross … and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below … still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink… and higher, ever higher … on and on …. higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board, He climbed on top and radioed the captain …. and then… he jumped . slowly at first but speeding up faster, and faster and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster… past the albatross, faster double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove… NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN…! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL………. SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping…. Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen" The tramp blushed. The captain went on: "But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived – how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand… I've been through many a hardship in my life"
They only had a pair of trunks!
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!” The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver!”
A dangerous, digital age unspoken disease! Watch NOW!
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
It got toad away.
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
It runs in our jeans.
But graphing is where I draw the line
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.