My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?
sapnu puas
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What exactly happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank
I have no words for how angry I am.
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
“I’m sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t serve time travellers.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."