Christ I thought this meme is long dead
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
My boss decided to work from home the day after he fired someone for working from home too much
My boss decided to work from home the day after he fired someone for working from home too much
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
Schrodinger’s Crush
Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.