Christ man. People just piled on the murder train.
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
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The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
That way I can set my own hours.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that's his story and he's sticking to it.
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
He orders a drink
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
You sheet metal.
It’s about time.
Because it's too cold out-Tide
Then I realized battery not included
He makes some really good points.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
Because they have big fingers!
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?" The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that". "Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here". "I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager". The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?" "Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please." "OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant." "But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you." The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!" The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant." "Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: Take off cap and push up bottom."
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
It's always darkest before Don
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
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That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
It's a little too crude.