Christ
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
Where does the know-it-all get their water?
From the well, actually.
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap. Son: But, Mom! I'm blind! Mom: Exactly.
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
English memes are dank, but German memes are danke.
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