Christmas Comedy Gold
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
Then she did and my day was ruined.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
Near Mint Condition!!!
Because sin90 = cot45
All it was doing was collecting dust.
She’s still not talking to me.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
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I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.