Christmas Comedy Gold
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
Why couldnโt the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
โWow!โ I say. โItโs climate change!โ
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
โHey Dad, who invented the haircut?โ
โI donโt know, but Iโm sure it was some barberian.โ
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
Itโs easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
itโs more difficult to deter…gents
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
Heโs a pickup artist.
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
What is an archeologist
Someone whoโs career is in ruins
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup arenโt done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I canโt be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
Nothingโs better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years youโre in your prime