Christmas good. Kids stupid.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Now it's your turn to speak.
It is kneadless, to say.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
She still isn't talking to me.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
You boil the hell out of it.
I named him Carson.
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
you red that wrong
So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself. Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?" And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel. So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh… No thanks, I'm good." "Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out." So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this." So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner." So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick. A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it." So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever. So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream. So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me." I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well…alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again." "Wait, what? Why not? What happened?" "Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me." "I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person" "She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me." "I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow." I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on. So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up. Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her. Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE. And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
If you do it you'll see why.
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I confronted him and said, “Mark, my words!”
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.