Christmas Group Therapy
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
My wife says she is leaving me because I make geology puns all the time.
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
You add Spring water.
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
Tetris is a good game
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ….. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box……."
