Christmas Group Therapy
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .
. . . except for his boots. “Where your clothes at, Slim?” “Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’ So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’” Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
A sailor and a priest are out golfing.
The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor. "My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game. The sailor now attempts to chip his ball out of the brush. He gets off a good shot, but it rolls back into a sand trap. "Fuck, I missed!" he says again. "My son! Please, refrain from such sinful language! You will anger the Lord!" the priest pleads. The sailor apologizes and they continue their game. The sailor takes a whack at his ball from the sandtrap. He has a great shot, landing the ball right on the green. Still it's not good enough for him, so yet again he mutters "fuck, I missed!" The priest bursts out, yelling "my son! The Lord will strike you down should you continue in your sinful ways! You will be punished for your sins!" The sailor apologizes profusely and lines up his putt. The putt heads straight for the hole… and then runs around the rim and stays out. "FUCK! I MISSED!" the sailor exclaims, louder than before. Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt shoots from the sky. It streaks down from the clouds and hits the priest, instantly killing him. A deep, booming voice from the heavens speaks… "FUCK! I MISSED!
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
So, no nut November has been over for about a week…
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”