*chuckle*
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?” Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells “Oh my God!” “that is correct Jill.” She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “Jesus Christ!” Teacher says “Correct again Jill.” Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
![Based on a True Story. [tap to view full meme]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/d7jtfwqt69h41.jpg)
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
I have a pure bread dog
His name is Fidough
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…