Cider where are you?
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick
Something inside me is telling me yes
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office
I will find you, you have my word
NSFW. I had to see this on FB so now you do too….(The proper way to use a condom after 60)
https://ift.tt/2S3Yuzt
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
Most People Rejected His Message. They Hated Him Because He Told Them The Truth.
https://ift.tt/37geC5M
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
You can’t die if you roll in salt.
You'll get cured.
The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf." Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together." The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course. Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?" Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?" Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me. The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball. Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.." The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?" Wife: "uh I want lots of money…." "Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account." Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!" "You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband. Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country." Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay." Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!" Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife." Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different." Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it" The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?" Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?" Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies…..
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD