My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
the spaghetto
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is
Wander Woman.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
I won’t do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
A wife takes her husband to a Strip Club
A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday… At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi… The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…."
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
My dad is coolerblind.
you red that wrong
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.