Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?
Wears Waldo.
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
I had donkey meat for the first time.
It tasted like ass.
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
What do you call a deaf dog?
Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
I bought a Christmas tree today.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…