Claus
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
Science riddle (maybe)
So guys i received a riddle for my friend and 1 grand is on the line. Can you guys help me with it?”50+10+0+the middle of the sea+the middle of the sun”
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
The wife is mad at me
My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
[removed]
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennssine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures. The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says “Jason, you know I can’t serve Robins here”
Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!" Then he beats him to death.
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
3 Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.''What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter . My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase .. . In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
