Clean parody about dads. We appreciate all you dads and also you moms playing the role of a father. Happy early Father’s Day
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
Jesus at the pearly gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
What’s the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
I’m flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
The madam of a whore house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in Rabbi’s garb.
"May I come in?" asked the Rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But Rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we…" "I know what you do here," interrupted the Rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The Rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The Rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the Rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The Rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The Rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The Rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the Rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the Rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the Rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is fifteen hundred dollars.”
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
No text found
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
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My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
