Clean slate
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
![[Legit] found this gem on the bookface](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/i8kmpqdiv9o11-400x442.jpg)
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
What’s the national bird of Syria?
American drone.
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
Who will take the second shot of this billiards game?
Find out after the break!
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?” The man replies “Like a glove.”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
A man walks in through the front door after work
and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing. "Woah woah woah…what gives?!?" the man says. The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up. "I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims. She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits on it. "That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!" Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den. The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of. "Jesus what did I do this time?!?" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face. "The HORSE called!"
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
![[OC] Guess the Pun #54](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-112-400x247.png)
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
