Cleaning up after a wild Saturday night.
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock. Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her. Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
No text found
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die…
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
I have been saying “mucho” more often while talking to my hispanic friends
It means a lot to them
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
What does a house wear?
Address
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.