I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
It’s getting hot in here
It’s getting hot in here
I Want A Divorce
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.
I’m not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.