Client did not pay? No problem!
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
How do you get your ducks in a row?
Use duck tape, of course!
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
