What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
My buddy spider really has his future planned.
He wants to become a web designer.
Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.
Me: Is it contagious? Doctor: Is what contagious?
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
“look over there”
"over where?" "I just made you say 'pants'…" (Made up by my 7 year old who never fails to giggle at "under where?" jokes)
Every room’s gotta have door,
and that's where I come in.
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
I’m trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isn’t working out.
I know, it was a stretch.
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
My dad tried to punch the fog today…
he mist.