It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the baby Carson.
and if you donβt get that thatβs the best dad joke ever…. well π€·πΌββοΈ
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, βSo Serena, Whatβs your favorite planet?β
Her: Itβs Venus. Me: Iβm sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
Whatβs the best way to overcome depression?
Love it, so it leaves you as well.
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, βWe got him! We got him!β
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
Theyβre extinct.
Son: Iβm gay, Dad.
Dad: No, Iβm gay Dad. Dad #2: No, Iβm gay dad.
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
I went to buy camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldnβt see myself wearing any
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him βFuck that.β
Iβm doing these prostate exams my way.