Closer to deleting Facebook every day…
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
Cheating funny (of course it was on iFunny)
A mindfuck of emotions went through my inner 14yo’s brain
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
Arrays Start At 
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
Breaking Physics At Work Part 2
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
I really don’t want to give YouTube my money
Now with extra H2CO3
A man walks in to a bar, and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem." The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!" The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!" The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know…" A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?" "I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work… ….b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"
Come hither, pathogens!
You matter. 🧬
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
How is that legal?
This one’s for all you lameoids that make pi jokes in r/jokes
What do you call a smart fart?
My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I said, “No. I have Stranger Things to watch.”
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Could you imagine the alphabet without the letter B?
It's easy, if you make B leave.
Quid pro quo or treat
Works every time
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
I once challenged an amputee to a swordfight
But he came unarmed :/
i love drinking both
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Seems like a good career move right now
I know better by now…
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
Anytime I hear Biden conspiracies
The Master Programmer
Think about it, think about anarchy
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
Haha technology bad
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
In other words, Uranus farted
All I have are recursive thoughts…
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A restroom in a mexican bar.
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
An ancient Dad joke
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Seeing strong diversity from the Conservative Squad
And don’t add any comments
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
No more tickling…
Ah yes, Mortal Combat. My favorit ego- shooter.
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
He’s not even hiding the corruption any more.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
From MIL’s Facebook