Cmon guys, they’re boomers
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
A Judge orders an Italian man to pay $10,000
Italian man: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Italian man: (quietly) It's a not…
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
Why did the dog go to college?
To get its pedigree.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
What rhymes with orange
No it doesn’t.
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
Before Beyoncé got married,
she was someone's Feyoncé
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant…
The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?” The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
My girlfriend told me that she’s leaving because I’m too immature…
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.