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What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
“I have a split personality”
Said Tom, being frank
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I’d parked my car correctly…
It said "Parking Fine"
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably be awake, I cuckoo'ed another nine times, so that he would think it was 12 cuckoos — or just midnight. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with them. The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed in the least. I had gotten away with it, I thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he then said, "Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckoo'ed three times, then said `oh shit,' cuckoo'ed four more times, then cleared its throat, cuckoo'ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo'ed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
How come Grizzlies never wear shoes?
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.
He was growing through a rough patch.
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction…
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
i lost my mood ring this morning
i don’t really know how to feel about that
