code has been cracked
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
What Apple interviews must be like for Software Engineers post iOS 14 (Virtual Onsite Zoom)
https://youtu.be/QR5v579LsWA
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
Lost Wife
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter – let's look for yours."
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.