Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
A guy tries to walk into a bar
The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!" Edit: this joke is a tribute to u/rogersimon10. What a legend he was.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
What does a house wear?
Address
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?
https://ift.tt/37Fudf5
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.