An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
Why don’t hillbillies like reverse cowgirl?
You never turn your back on your family.
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
Three guys die…
and Saint Peter stops them at the Golden Gates. He tells them, "Depending how faithful you were to your wife, depends what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven." First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times." Saint Peter says, "That's ok I suppose, here take this older model pick-up truck." Second guy says, "I was married 15 years and only cheated once!" Saint Peter says, "Pretty great, here take this sports car." Third guy says, "I was married 40 years and never cheated on my wife." Saint Peter says, "Wow that's the best I've ever heard! Here, take this Golden Edition Rolls-Royce." The three guys start across the bridge and the Rolls takes off and leaves them. About half way across, the other two guys find the Rolls pulled over with his head on the steering wheel. They stop and walk over. First guy says, "Come on man, being dead isn't so bad." Second guy says, "Yeah, look what you're driving, and look what we're driving." Third guy says, "No guys, you don't get it, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
A Husband Whispers in his Wife’s Ear at the Bar
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!" OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
https://youtu.be/L9TXOp4TBOg
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
Why won’t the Republicans impeach Trump?
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border