Coffee coffee table
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I just created a new word,
Plagiarism.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
I was talking to a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors…
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
