Coffin Dance
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
2 is a prime number against all odds.
No text found
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!" I shouted back "DANKE!"
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.
But the judge didn't see it that way.
[Warning]: 18++
19.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy?
Something inside me says yes.
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
