College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."
So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.
Doctor says: "What caused this?"
Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."
Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl"
Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same
"Take off your blouse and bra"
Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest.
Doctor says "What caused this?"
Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love"
Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl"
Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest.
Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?"
Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women
God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m…" Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!" God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.